Meagan had been begging me for sometime to leave our home on Alta Mira. I knew for her, my sweet daughter just wanted to leave this home of memories...both glorious and devastating. The home seemed to hold so much pain at that time...after Frank left us. But for me, it was devastating to my heart to even think about moving. I was holding on to EVERY last memory with all my might. For this was the last home that ALL our children had lived in...even my married kids all lived in this home with us at one time or another.
I remember a day when we were all having a Sunday dinner together, and because there were so many of us and our table was full Frank and I decided to sit on the sofa in the dining room to eat our food. As we watched our brood milling over the dishes of food and everyone clamoring for their share and the little grandchildren all talking at once, Frank put his arm around my shoulders and leaned into me, whispering into my ear..."Look at this! Look what we have created!" he smiled such a deep satisfying sweet smile, and then leaned into me and gave me a very sweet tender kiss. I remember thinking at that moment, "OUR love created this! It's amazing! We are so lucky"
I felt completely content at that moment, and I felt Frank did too. It was a sweet tender moment, and one of the "glorious" memories that I wanted to hold on to. I couldn't understand how we could come from that sweet special moment in time to this horrible place...this place of Frank leaving , and we...my sweet children and I feeling so broke,so alone, and aching inside. ...and wondering HOW? Why? Feeling abandoned not only by Frank, but by God too.
How could he let this happen to us? How could he allow my sweetheart to be attacked so? Where were the warring angels that were supposed to come to our defense? Why when my sweetheart could "feel" the battle and the "devils" at our doorstep, and in our home, and especially in his workplace, and he admittedly recognized it to be the greatest battle we'd ever fought, did he give up and leave us to fight alone? WHY Father? WHY?
And now, my precious girl was begging me...pressuring me...to move, from the last home where his presence filled these rooms, where we cuddled, and made love, and talked and whispered, and also fought, and laughed and played. How could I EVER leave this place?
But my sweet girl was hurting...the memories to raw...she needed to leave, to get way, she needed to run away from the pain.
Through much contemplation, and many LONG walks to talk with God, I came to the conclusion that it was important that we leave this home behind. But not until we healed it! So Meagan and I painted the whole house, and at times Shaina and the boys helped us too.
With every stroke of the brush, God brought back to my mind the memories I was so afraid of loosing, I cried a million tears during those hours of painting...at first....and then...a little miracle took place in my heart, and I began to feel the house healing, and in turn something inside of me began to heal too. I knew that God was beginning to heal me...along with my sweet home. I knew then , that we'd be ok in another house even though Frank would not be there.
Our little Cottage
We lived in this , what came to be my beloved haven of a cottage, from October 2009 to June of 2010. And then, we were told to move again. Those who owned this home selling it to the bank, and the place God had provided for us as a refuge from the storm... was no longer ours.
This beautiful home, where the spirit abides with me, and my children. The place I was learning to become independent again ... taken from me. I was angry, sooo angry. So angry with God and life...and more. WHY GOD? Cant you just let me have some peace???
We moved into a very small condo, Meagan and Shaina moved to Hawaii, and life went on. But for me, I couldn't shake the anger, the pain, the resentment, the bitterness, the hurt. It seemed to come in waves of DEEP engulfing dangerous emotions. In the middle of these waves, I had to be a mother, and a provider. I had to work full time, for the first time in my life...
then come home each day to deal with a boy whose pain left him rebelling against everything and everyone. Another boy who would barley speak...who I seemed to be losing...and I didn't know how to help either of them.
A few months later... my two college girls came home from Hawaii. Oh how glad I was to have them back...but they to were depressed. So depressed to have had to leave their beloved Hawaii before they were ready...
Every day, I came home to find the girls...crying and seeing they were watching depressing soap operas...and the boys locked away in their rooms... all this at a time when all I wanted to do was nurture my children and myself....and heal us of our wounds...
My heart ached to see their pain...more than I could ever express.
By the time my girls got back...my income had gone down. I was loosing my job security.
Laid off from Convergys first. Then my contract was not renewed at Brian Head ski resort,and then I got fired at Massage Envy, since I couldn't get from Cedar to st. George in 15 min. They decided they wanted someone else!!
My world was once again turning upside down...
And there was nothing I could do to stop the pain.
