Time has Dawned Anew

Time has dawned anew, life and all its seasons have gone on as they always do, year after year....and in this year and some...I too have grown. I have felt the seasons moving within me...I have changed some. I hope for the better. I am learning to treat myself better...to put myself first often and especially when it's important.

I am beginning to learn some of the things I love most! I have forgotten to write many things that I wanted to keep in my remembrance, and maybe I will write them later. But for now, I want to just tell you of the things I have realized that my heart delights in....

Summer rains, and the sweet smell of the air after the rain.
Summer Lightening and thunder storms.
The feel of fresh morning dew.
Brisk walks ...or a good run in the early morning ...before the sun is completely awake...and hearing the sweet birds morning song!
Watching the sunrise as I run and I speak with my Heavenly Father for the first time that morning...knowing he IS listening to me...
I love the quite of the morning before the sun rises and there are no cars on the roads,at this time of the morning, I feel like I am the only person left on the face of the earth..and HE is talking to just me...HE is listening to me as if I were his only child...as IF I was of ultimate importance!

I love feeling my feet hit the pavement and the muscles flexing as I run...knowing I AM GETTING STRONGER!
I love the sunshine on my face, and the sand between my toes, I love squishing my toes in the mud and hearing the mud go gloop, gloop, gloop!

I find such joy in seeing my sweet Grandchildren at play...and I especially feel loved when they call me "mammy"...or sometimes "mlammy" as Aysa still says!
And when they want to climb upon my lap and sit for a while.
I love the softness of Xyla's small , little, puffy cheeks and the way she leans her head into me to give me a hug.
I love seeing the sweet beautiful loving little face and incredible dimpled smile of Nautika as she runs to me with open arms and her sweet eyes sparkle with excitement as she sees me and comes to say hello!

I love it when Nivek and Aysa want to have dates with me and sleep overs...and I wish I had more time to give to them...they are growing so fast...I yearn for the days I might not have to be so consumed with making a living , so I can make more memories with them...and I hope I can balance my time well, so that I do not miss out on making these memories while they are still young.

I love to see the unending energy of Treydence, and his excitement at learning new things! I love the precious smile of Ventry. And I love that she is ready for me to hold her more often! And my heart aches to be able to have some time with Amorina.

I love flowers any time of year...just about any kind of flower....Easter lilies, yellow roses, Pansies, Chrysanthemums too, but lilies and exotic flowers are especially nice.

I love the smell of a floral shop and every time I go into a shop, it leaves a little pain in my heart remembering the days when I spent much time caring for the flowers...creating arrangements...etc.....and ShaBloom was almost mine.

I love flower gardens that feel like I am in a secret special place ...that only I can find...solitude...a place where I can kick my shoes off and lay in the grass...or sit on the big swing and immerse myself in a great book.

I love big porches...especially wrap arounds...and Adirondack chairs....big huge beach towels....beach balls and large colorful beach umbrellas.

I love the smell of suntan lotion and all the memories it evokes of summer days gone by, speed boats, row boats, and skidoos, and the waves of the sea.

Rocks on the seashore and the many varieties of seashells

Sea turtles, and tortoise, penguins and porpoise, whales, and seagulls.

Giant Kodiak bears, Sea Lions, and little black bears.

Pelicans and storks, Flamingos, and doves.

Elephants (MY FAVORITE!) and Lions, Tigers, Giraffes and Zebras, Horses, Rhinoceroses, and big horned sheep and beautiful swans....oh so many varieties of gorgeous animals our Heavenly Father has made for us on this earth to enjoy.

I love rivers and streams, lakes and oceans too!

and TREES. Oh sweet TREES! I really sincerely cant live without trees in my life. I need a place that grounds me...with grass and trees of all kinds...especially white aspen.

Skydiving....OH YES SKY DIVING!! Oh how I wish to do this again!
Water skiing....hang gliding, hiking , camping, and having adventures too.

I want to go spelunking in a cave and learn to rappel and canyonneer. And oh....Zip lining ...for SURE!!! I would love to go zip lining in the Alaskan rain forest next August!!

I love the feeling of standing on a mountain top and seeing the 360 degree view...especially if it was difficult climb to conquer.

I wish I could be a great photographer and capture the moments the way my daughter Shaina does...
I wish I could play the piano the way my Grandma Mildred use to play
I wish I could play the guitar the way my Shantel does and sing to my love a sonnet so fair
I wish I could remember how to play my flute

I wish I could always know how to soothe my children's souls and give them happiness and joy all the days of their lives.

I love visiting with old friends and making new one too
Talking with my best girl friends until way into the night

I love being kissed, especially when his hands are holding my face. I love being touched tenderly..caressed and sweetly awakened with love
I love little gifts brought unexpectedly with love and sincerity...even sweet orange juice, and peppermint patties too

I love cuddling under a warm blanket and watching movies drinking tea or hot cocoa
I love it when my honey lets me put my feet on his lap and then he rubs them tenderly
I love it when my sweet love rubs my hands and caresses them while we sit in church together.
I love making love on a lazy Sunday Afternoon
I love watching the sunsets in the back of a truck

I love camping "alone" with my sweetheart in the back of a pick up and watching the stars..talking...and sharing our thoughts and dreams
I love making love in front of a warm fire
And running through the forest absolutely bare
And Skinny dipping too

I love making chocolate chip cookie dough and then eating balls the of dough. I love the process of baking the cookies, more then eating them! ha ha!
I love warm bread right out of the oven.
Muffins of ALL kinds
Sweet breads, cheesecakes and pies.
And EVERY kind o fruit imaginable!!

And hot Oatmeal with cinnamon, raisin, cranberries, and sunflower seeds! Yum Yum!!

I love SOUP....oh dear soup of ALL kinds. Soup totally soothes my soul. It is my comfort food for sure.

I love cooking and baking for my family and their oohs and aahs when I am done and they can smell and taste my beautiful creations. It warms my heart to hear them express gratitude and to tell my I'm the BEST.

I love the smell after cleaning my house, sparkling faucets and clean mirrors and shining windows

I love it when ALL the laundry's done and put away!

I love the feeling of fresh clean garments against my skin

And new warm sheets on my bed and towels right out of the dryer

New socks and the way my hair feels after being freshly cut and styled

I love being pampered at the salon with my toes and finger nails done!

I love my new hair color...brown...I do feel sexy and young!

I love BOOKS, BOOKS, BOOKS, and more BOOKS! I can't get enough, and wont be satisfied until my library reaches the sky!!

I love expanding my mind and pondering on new ideas...talking to those who are smarter then me....listening to philosophical discussions...paradigm shifts, and recognizing something profound....those amazing aha moments!

I love art..and contemplating the mystery of what the author might have been thinking and trying to convey with their beautiful pallet.

I adore concert...musicals, dramas, ballets, Shakespeare...and much more.

I love COLOR...oh yes...there must be color in my life! Many different colors...warm and inviting, bright and cheery, sweet and lively, crisp and cool....all colors...I want a pallet of beauty surrounding me. Not a rainbow of colors...and not gaudy...but just sprinkles of sparkling color...tender morsels to be cherished and delighted in, surrounding my inviting domain.

There are so many other things I love and wish for...I will save those for another day =)

My Journey of 2010 -2011

In October of 2009, my little brood and I moved into a beautiful little cottage on Pinewood Dr. It was difficult for me to decide to take this step of moving in to this house, for it meant I would be moving into the first home that I would live in without my eternal companion by my side.

Meagan had been begging me for sometime to leave our home on Alta Mira. I knew for her, my sweet daughter just wanted to leave this home of memories...both glorious and devastating. The home seemed to hold so much pain at that time...after Frank left us. But for me, it was devastating to my heart to even think about moving. I was holding on to EVERY last memory with all my might. For this was the last home that ALL our children had lived in...even my married kids all lived in this home with us at one time or another.

I remember a day when we were all having a Sunday dinner together, and because there were so many of us and our table was full Frank and I decided to sit on the sofa in the dining room to eat our food. As we watched our brood milling over the dishes of food and everyone clamoring for their share and the little grandchildren all talking at once, Frank put his arm around my shoulders and leaned into me, whispering into my ear..."Look at this! Look what we have created!" he smiled such a deep satisfying sweet smile, and then leaned into me and gave me a very sweet tender kiss. I remember thinking at that moment, "OUR love created this! It's amazing! We are so lucky"

I felt completely content at that moment, and I felt Frank did too. It was a sweet tender moment, and one of the "glorious" memories that I wanted to hold on to. I couldn't understand how we could come from that sweet special moment in time to this horrible place...this place of Frank leaving , and we...my sweet children and I feeling so broke,so alone, and aching inside. ...and wondering HOW? Why? Feeling abandoned not only by Frank, but by God too.

How could he let this happen to us? How could he allow my sweetheart to be attacked so? Where were the warring angels that were supposed to come to our defense? Why when my sweetheart could "feel" the battle and the "devils" at our doorstep, and in our home, and especially in his workplace, and he admittedly recognized it to be the greatest battle we'd ever fought, did he give up and leave us to fight alone? WHY Father? WHY?

And now, my precious girl was begging me...pressuring me...to move, from the last home where his presence filled these rooms, where we cuddled, and made love, and talked and whispered, and also fought, and laughed and played. How could I EVER leave this place?

But my sweet girl was hurting...the memories to raw...she needed to leave, to get way, she needed to run away from the pain.

Through much contemplation, and many LONG walks to talk with God, I came to the conclusion that it was important that we leave this home behind. But not until we healed it! So Meagan and I painted the whole house, and at times Shaina and the boys helped us too.

With every stroke of the brush, God brought back to my mind the memories I was so afraid of loosing, I cried a million tears during those hours of painting...at first....and then...a little miracle took place in my heart, and I began to feel the house healing, and in turn something inside of me began to heal too. I knew that God was beginning to heal me...along with my sweet home. I knew then , that we'd be ok in another house even though Frank would not be there.

Our little Cottage

We lived in this , what came to be my beloved haven of a cottage, from October 2009 to June of 2010. And then, we were told to move again. Those who owned this home selling it to the bank, and the place God had provided for us as a refuge from the storm... was no longer ours.

This beautiful home, where the spirit abides with me, and my children. The place I was learning to become independent again ... taken from me. I was angry, sooo angry. So angry with God and life...and more. WHY GOD? Cant you just let me have some peace???

We moved into a very small condo, Meagan and Shaina moved to Hawaii, and life went on. But for me, I couldn't shake the anger, the pain, the resentment, the bitterness, the hurt. It seemed to come in waves of DEEP engulfing dangerous emotions. In the middle of these waves, I had to be a mother, and a provider. I had to work full time, for the first time in my life...

then come home each day to deal with a boy whose pain left him rebelling against everything and everyone. Another boy who would barley speak...who I seemed to be losing...and I didn't know how to help either of them.

A few months later... my two college girls came home from Hawaii. Oh how glad I was to have them back...but they to were depressed. So depressed to have had to leave their beloved Hawaii before they were ready...

Every day, I came home to find the girls...crying and seeing they were watching depressing soap operas...and the boys locked away in their rooms... all this at a time when all I wanted to do was nurture my children and myself....and heal us of our wounds...

My heart ached to see their pain...more than I could ever express.

By the time my girls got back...my income had gone down. I was loosing my job security.

Laid off from Convergys first. Then my contract was not renewed at Brian Head ski resort,and then I got fired at Massage Envy,  since I couldn't get from Cedar to st. George in 15 min. They decided they wanted someone else!!

 My world was once again turning upside down...

And there was nothing I could do to stop the pain.

Andy Grammer

I have decided I delight in Music...MANY kinds of music. I went to a concert last night with my friend Alicia. It was SOOO much fun. we danced, and laughed, and sang and screamed our hearts out!!! The singer was ANDY GRAMMER. I've decided... he's stolen my heart! oh for the ability to cause people to "feel" something....I've also decided ...I like "living" in the pocket!

I feel like a much more youthful Mama Dezee today.

IN the Pocket-- Andy Grammer

 

Deciding to Grow...

In deciding to GROW my tree...healthy and strong, and FULL of new branches, I have decided that I need to "get to know"what I love again. What "delights" me. So my future post will be about my discoveries!

Mama Dezee (This is a name my sweet Shaina gave me many years ago....and I love it when she calls me this!)

Beginning Anew

Well, life has changed dramatically for me in the past year. Not just dramatically...but drastically and very much unexpectedly. I feel very alone in the world much of the time, and I have realized that in many ways I do not know myself, or feel confident in myself. Many of the dreams and hope I have had for my life have been dashed to smithereens. I struggle to hold on to some resemblance of what my definition of family has always been...I struggle to find a way to hold it all together....the things...the people...the loved ones most precious to me...my values...my ultimate destination...ETERNITY.

I wonder if life will ever have any real meaning for me....if I will look back on my life and know that it was ALL that it was meant to be. If I will eventually feel accomplished....as a wife, mother, daughter of God.

Hoping, beyond all that I see in front of me, that what my Heavenly Father has shown me...in vision...will truly come to pass. Trying with every ounce of strength I have inside of me...to hold on...to muster up another small "mustered seed" ....or at least some resemblance of this seed...of Faith.

I ask myself, "why" my Heavenly Father believes I am so strong that he would allow me to go through the hardest trial I have ever experienced thus far in my 47 years of life? Why this trial?

"Why" did I "choose" to experience this path...for I believe....I KNOW...and have been shown that I did. In the preexistence.

I have asked My Heavenly Father..." What did I come here to learn? What was my ultimate goal...the 'virtue' I most wanted to develop?"

The answer came..."Forgiveness". You my dear daughter wanted to know how I, your Heavenly Father (Elohim) and your Heavenly Mother, and your Brother (Jehovah ) could "forgive"....what does it mean to forgive compleatly...how is it done....when one has been hurt so deeply....and one's tender heart has been so broken...

You my daughter wanted to develope the virtures of FORGIVENESS...and unconditional love...CHARITY..the pure love of Christ. So you chose to experience that which would help you develope these attributes here upon the Earth, in your Earthly journey. And those who loved you most...in the preexistence...those you were closet to there, "promised" to come into your life and help you to learn these things!

This was the answer from my loving Heavenly Father....I have pondered over this many many times this past year.

I realize I have much to forgive....and I really need the Savior to help me in this, because my heart aches too much to do it alone. There is too much anger, and hatred, and bitterness...regret...fear...and deep deep pain...and... much more in my heart and soul. I haven't known how to begin. I have known of his mercy and the gift of the Atonement before in my life....both as a sinner and as one who has been sinned against.

But this pain....the pain of being given up on....forsaken...left...abandoned...forgotten...mistrusted...lied to... cheated on...sinned against....betrayed...has been almost too much for me. I have felt that my heart and EVERY part of me has been ripped into shreds....

My very insides...torn to pieces. It is true....a heart really can be broken...for it physically hurts...aches...and yearns to be healed....wondering IF it will ever really be whole again. And it's not just my heart....its every part of me....EVERY single cell in my body!

When you give yourself in marriage to someone, especially for all eternity, sealed by the holy spirit ...for time and all eternity...you are no longer one person. You are intertwined....a part of another...forever. Growing new branches throughout the years....becoming more and more entangled,entwined....very little of the "you" that used to be separate remains...because you are such a part of each other that it is often hard to tell where one begins and the other ends.

I don't know yet, for sure, if this is usual..or even if it is completely the way Father in Heaven divinely orchestrated it. But I have felt that it is a part of "cleaving" to your spouse.

Somehow though...each spouse should still be able to "find" their roots....where they begin...the piece of themselves that began alone before this love and togetherness started. Their branches should still be free to stretch and grow beyond the core of the "trunks" so that they can come back and bring greater nourishment to the union of the two trees.

I don't think my sweetheart, my eternal companion, and I ever did this. I think we stayed so closely connected that the branches never felt free to move around...explore...have adventures, in new parts of the forest....bringing treasure back to the trees...our branches instead felt immobilized and stifled and "glued" to each other..."stuck" together ...DYING....instead of free flowing ...breathing...moving...and ALIVE...nourishing each other! Our trees quit growing...

Unhealthy  Trees

I think for me, somehow, I lost a piece of myself,long ago. I allowed my branches to grow so firmly and deeply into "him" that when he was gone....when he "ripped" his branches away from mine...when he ripped himself physically, and emotionally "mostly" from me...my soul groaned so deeply...and many of my branches that had been intertwined with his, were ripped to shreds. It happened so abruptly that I was not given permission to un-entwine myself....dis entangle my branches from his....to "find" where and how they all were wrapped around him. So I was left with a broken trunk...all my branches, hanging withered and destroyed...broken...with a few small healthy branches remaining.


Now, I am left with my tree in shock...aching...trying to find my strength again. trying to remember who I was before, without him. reaching for the sky...trying to grow again...but in many ways afraid to "branch" out. Afraid of what this part of the forest that I have neglected to explore really holds...afraid of the dangers and pitfalls there might be for me.

But secretly ashamedly excited to be free. Longing for his presence, his touch, his companionship....aching for his "friendship"....his LOVE....but happy to feel that my branches can move freely again. Wishing that we could have felt this free together....and desperately hoping there will come a day that he feels he can trust me enough to be my friend....maybe for the first time. Hoping there will come a day that we both will feel ready to have adventures together....and IF we can learn enough about ourselves to understand our weaknesses and our strengths, we could once again "cleave" to eachother....in a new a glorious way, allowing our branches to grow together..intertwined yet free...sweetly...exploring movement together...not "stuck" together...but reaching and moving, like free flowing vines, allowed to move and breathe and experience new things, constantly reaching outside of ourselves and our union... to gain more knowledge and experience. Then coming together to share those new and exciting things with each other; Always respecting each vine, each trunk, each new leaf....nourishing each other and the "base" of our love....our roots. For ourselves individually and as a couple.

I realize my tree to survive, much repair work is needed. I will need to nourish the trunk, and the healthy branches, with much sun and water, and fertilizer...vitamins and much love. And, no matter how painful it is, I must cut off the injured, broken branches....so that all the energy my poor tree has to offer will go to nurturing and healing the branches that are left and to growing new branches.

After a year now, I finally can see that my roots are slowly growing stronger...reaching deeper into the soil...holding tight so my tree will not blow over in the next wind storm. I can finally see some small new shoots beginning to grow high along the trunk.

I like the new branches beginning to develop. I miss feeling the strength of being intertwined with the tree I have loved so fiercely...and still do. But I am realizing that I am strong...and if I must...my tree can stand alone.

I hope with all my might and all the faith I can muster that one day....my eternal sweetheart tree will quit his wanderings and realize that he is not completely whole, nor nearly as beautiful, or FULL, as when he is growing together with me. That he will miss me...my tree...and the way it felt to hold me, to love me, to be able to see my face, and hear my voice each day. I hope he will miss everything about me so much....that one day...hopefully not too many years from now..our branches will grow together again. But when that happens..when he is ready...I will know how to keep my branches strong, and somewhat still the individual tree that I am...still cleaving completely to him...but developing my own branches too...to strengthen the bond of our union. I hope he will know how to do that too.

Lovely, Free, Trees. 

Beautifully entwined in Love, in a healthy way.

I don't know if this makes any sense at all to anyone but me. I am still learning about marriage and how we are to help one another as individuals and how we are supposed to become "one" as a couple...I am leaning on my God to share all his knowledge of the "perfect" marital union...the eternal promise of companionship becoming King and Queen together.

My heart yearns for the blessing we are promised in the Temple. And I am doing my very best to keep ALL of the covenants I have made...believing that IF I do, one day, this thread of our sealing that I am still holding on to, the piece of the promise that still seals us together...will one day become a rope, that will save both he and I...that will pull him back to me...and help us become all that our Father wants us to be. ALL that we wanted and promised to each other before we came to this earth. I hope for all of this that we both might find joy in each other and in fulfilling our mission!

Until then, I will strive to learn all I can all the things that Heavenly Father is sharing with me and inspiring me to study, ponder, and pray. I will strive to develop new talents and strengthen those I already know I have. I will strive to be of service to my fellow man and to become a better "daughter", "wife", "friend" and "mother" to my family.

I am...Renee Lynette Miller Mysliwiec a.k.a MamaDezee