In deciding to GROW my tree...healthy and strong, and FULL of new branches, I have decided that I need to "get to know"what I love again. What "delights" me. So my future post will be about my discoveries!
Mama Dezee (This is a name my sweet Shaina gave me many years ago....and I love it when she calls me this!)
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Beginning Anew
Well, life has changed dramatically for me in the past year. Not just dramatically...but drastically and very much unexpectedly. I feel very alone in the world much of the time, and I have realized that in many ways I do not know myself, or feel confident in myself. Many of the dreams and hope I have had for my life have been dashed to smithereens. I struggle to hold on to some resemblance of what my definition of family has always been...I struggle to find a way to hold it all together....the things...the people...the loved ones most precious to me...my values...my ultimate destination...ETERNITY.
I wonder if life will ever have any real meaning for me....if I will look back on my life and know that it was ALL that it was meant to be. If I will eventually feel accomplished....as a wife, mother, daughter of God.
Hoping, beyond all that I see in front of me, that what my Heavenly Father has shown me...in vision...will truly come to pass. Trying with every ounce of strength I have inside of me...to hold on...to muster up another small "mustered seed" ....or at least some resemblance of this seed...of Faith.
I ask myself, "why" my Heavenly Father believes I am so strong that he would allow me to go through the hardest trial I have ever experienced thus far in my 47 years of life? Why this trial?
"Why" did I "choose" to experience this path...for I believe....I KNOW...and have been shown that I did. In the preexistence.
I have asked My Heavenly Father..." What did I come here to learn? What was my ultimate goal...the 'virtue' I most wanted to develop?"
The answer came..."Forgiveness". You my dear daughter wanted to know how I, your Heavenly Father (Elohim) and your Heavenly Mother, and your Brother (Jehovah ) could "forgive"....what does it mean to forgive compleatly...how is it done....when one has been hurt so deeply....and one's tender heart has been so broken...
You my daughter wanted to develope the virtures of FORGIVENESS...and unconditional love...CHARITY..the pure love of Christ. So you chose to experience that which would help you develope these attributes here upon the Earth, in your Earthly journey. And those who loved you most...in the preexistence...those you were closet to there, "promised" to come into your life and help you to learn these things!
This was the answer from my loving Heavenly Father....I have pondered over this many many times this past year.
I realize I have much to forgive....and I really need the Savior to help me in this, because my heart aches too much to do it alone. There is too much anger, and hatred, and bitterness...regret...fear...and deep deep pain...and... much more in my heart and soul. I haven't known how to begin. I have known of his mercy and the gift of the Atonement before in my life....both as a sinner and as one who has been sinned against.
But this pain....the pain of being given up on....forsaken...left...abandoned...forgotten...mistrusted...lied to... cheated on...sinned against....betrayed...has been almost too much for me. I have felt that my heart and EVERY part of me has been ripped into shreds....
My very insides...torn to pieces. It is true....a heart really can be broken...for it physically hurts...aches...and yearns to be healed....wondering IF it will ever really be whole again. And it's not just my heart....its every part of me....EVERY single cell in my body!
When you give yourself in marriage to someone, especially for all eternity, sealed by the holy spirit ...for time and all eternity...you are no longer one person. You are intertwined....a part of another...forever. Growing new branches throughout the years....becoming more and more entangled,entwined....very little of the "you" that used to be separate remains...because you are such a part of each other that it is often hard to tell where one begins and the other ends.
I don't know yet, for sure, if this is usual..or even if it is completely the way Father in Heaven divinely orchestrated it. But I have felt that it is a part of "cleaving" to your spouse.
Somehow though...each spouse should still be able to "find" their roots....where they begin...the piece of themselves that began alone before this love and togetherness started. Their branches should still be free to stretch and grow beyond the core of the "trunks" so that they can come back and bring greater nourishment to the union of the two trees.
I don't think my sweetheart, my eternal companion, and I ever did this. I think we stayed so closely connected that the branches never felt free to move around...explore...have adventures, in new parts of the forest....bringing treasure back to the trees...our branches instead felt immobilized and stifled and "glued" to each other..."stuck" together ...DYING....instead of free flowing ...breathing...moving...and ALIVE...nourishing each other! Our trees quit growing...
I think for me, somehow, I lost a piece of myself,long ago. I allowed my branches to grow so firmly and deeply into "him" that when he was gone....when he "ripped" his branches away from mine...when he ripped himself physically, and emotionally "mostly" from me...my soul groaned so deeply...and many of my branches that had been intertwined with his, were ripped to shreds. It happened so abruptly that I was not given permission to un-entwine myself....dis entangle my branches from his....to "find" where and how they all were wrapped around him. So I was left with a broken trunk...all my branches, hanging withered and destroyed...broken...with a few small healthy branches remaining.
Now, I am left with my tree in shock...aching...trying to find my strength again. trying to remember who I was before, without him. reaching for the sky...trying to grow again...but in many ways afraid to "branch" out. Afraid of what this part of the forest that I have neglected to explore really holds...afraid of the dangers and pitfalls there might be for me.
But secretly ashamedly excited to be free. Longing for his presence, his touch, his companionship....aching for his "friendship"....his LOVE....but happy to feel that my branches can move freely again. Wishing that we could have felt this free together....and desperately hoping there will come a day that he feels he can trust me enough to be my friend....maybe for the first time. Hoping there will come a day that we both will feel ready to have adventures together....and IF we can learn enough about ourselves to understand our weaknesses and our strengths, we could once again "cleave" to eachother....in a new a glorious way, allowing our branches to grow together..intertwined yet free...sweetly...exploring movement together...not "stuck" together...but reaching and moving, like free flowing vines, allowed to move and breathe and experience new things, constantly reaching outside of ourselves and our union... to gain more knowledge and experience. Then coming together to share those new and exciting things with each other; Always respecting each vine, each trunk, each new leaf....nourishing each other and the "base" of our love....our roots. For ourselves individually and as a couple.
I realize my tree to survive, much repair work is needed. I will need to nourish the trunk, and the healthy branches, with much sun and water, and fertilizer...vitamins and much love. And, no matter how painful it is, I must cut off the injured, broken branches....so that all the energy my poor tree has to offer will go to nurturing and healing the branches that are left and to growing new branches.
After a year now, I finally can see that my roots are slowly growing stronger...reaching deeper into the soil...holding tight so my tree will not blow over in the next wind storm. I can finally see some small new shoots beginning to grow high along the trunk.
I like the new branches beginning to develop. I miss feeling the strength of being intertwined with the tree I have loved so fiercely...and still do. But I am realizing that I am strong...and if I must...my tree can stand alone.
I hope with all my might and all the faith I can muster that one day....my eternal sweetheart tree will quit his wanderings and realize that he is not completely whole, nor nearly as beautiful, or FULL, as when he is growing together with me. That he will miss me...my tree...and the way it felt to hold me, to love me, to be able to see my face, and hear my voice each day. I hope he will miss everything about me so much....that one day...hopefully not too many years from now..our branches will grow together again. But when that happens..when he is ready...I will know how to keep my branches strong, and somewhat still the individual tree that I am...still cleaving completely to him...but developing my own branches too...to strengthen the bond of our union. I hope he will know how to do that too.
I don't know if this makes any sense at all to anyone but me. I am still learning about marriage and how we are to help one another as individuals and how we are supposed to become "one" as a couple...I am leaning on my God to share all his knowledge of the "perfect" marital union...the eternal promise of companionship becoming King and Queen together.
My heart yearns for the blessing we are promised in the Temple. And I am doing my very best to keep ALL of the covenants I have made...believing that IF I do, one day, this thread of our sealing that I am still holding on to, the piece of the promise that still seals us together...will one day become a rope, that will save both he and I...that will pull him back to me...and help us become all that our Father wants us to be. ALL that we wanted and promised to each other before we came to this earth. I hope for all of this that we both might find joy in each other and in fulfilling our mission!
Until then, I will strive to learn all I can all the things that Heavenly Father is sharing with me and inspiring me to study, ponder, and pray. I will strive to develop new talents and strengthen those I already know I have. I will strive to be of service to my fellow man and to become a better "daughter", "wife", "friend" and "mother" to my family.
I am...Renee Lynette Miller Mysliwiec a.k.a MamaDezee
I wonder if life will ever have any real meaning for me....if I will look back on my life and know that it was ALL that it was meant to be. If I will eventually feel accomplished....as a wife, mother, daughter of God.
Hoping, beyond all that I see in front of me, that what my Heavenly Father has shown me...in vision...will truly come to pass. Trying with every ounce of strength I have inside of me...to hold on...to muster up another small "mustered seed" ....or at least some resemblance of this seed...of Faith.
I ask myself, "why" my Heavenly Father believes I am so strong that he would allow me to go through the hardest trial I have ever experienced thus far in my 47 years of life? Why this trial?
"Why" did I "choose" to experience this path...for I believe....I KNOW...and have been shown that I did. In the preexistence.
I have asked My Heavenly Father..." What did I come here to learn? What was my ultimate goal...the 'virtue' I most wanted to develop?"
The answer came..."Forgiveness". You my dear daughter wanted to know how I, your Heavenly Father (Elohim) and your Heavenly Mother, and your Brother (Jehovah ) could "forgive"....what does it mean to forgive compleatly...how is it done....when one has been hurt so deeply....and one's tender heart has been so broken...
You my daughter wanted to develope the virtures of FORGIVENESS...and unconditional love...CHARITY..the pure love of Christ. So you chose to experience that which would help you develope these attributes here upon the Earth, in your Earthly journey. And those who loved you most...in the preexistence...those you were closet to there, "promised" to come into your life and help you to learn these things!
This was the answer from my loving Heavenly Father....I have pondered over this many many times this past year.
I realize I have much to forgive....and I really need the Savior to help me in this, because my heart aches too much to do it alone. There is too much anger, and hatred, and bitterness...regret...fear...and deep deep pain...and... much more in my heart and soul. I haven't known how to begin. I have known of his mercy and the gift of the Atonement before in my life....both as a sinner and as one who has been sinned against.
But this pain....the pain of being given up on....forsaken...left...abandoned...forgotten...mistrusted...lied to... cheated on...sinned against....betrayed...has been almost too much for me. I have felt that my heart and EVERY part of me has been ripped into shreds....
My very insides...torn to pieces. It is true....a heart really can be broken...for it physically hurts...aches...and yearns to be healed....wondering IF it will ever really be whole again. And it's not just my heart....its every part of me....EVERY single cell in my body!
When you give yourself in marriage to someone, especially for all eternity, sealed by the holy spirit ...for time and all eternity...you are no longer one person. You are intertwined....a part of another...forever. Growing new branches throughout the years....becoming more and more entangled,entwined....very little of the "you" that used to be separate remains...because you are such a part of each other that it is often hard to tell where one begins and the other ends.
I don't know yet, for sure, if this is usual..or even if it is completely the way Father in Heaven divinely orchestrated it. But I have felt that it is a part of "cleaving" to your spouse.
Somehow though...each spouse should still be able to "find" their roots....where they begin...the piece of themselves that began alone before this love and togetherness started. Their branches should still be free to stretch and grow beyond the core of the "trunks" so that they can come back and bring greater nourishment to the union of the two trees.
I don't think my sweetheart, my eternal companion, and I ever did this. I think we stayed so closely connected that the branches never felt free to move around...explore...have adventures, in new parts of the forest....bringing treasure back to the trees...our branches instead felt immobilized and stifled and "glued" to each other..."stuck" together ...DYING....instead of free flowing ...breathing...moving...and ALIVE...nourishing each other! Our trees quit growing...
Unhealthy Trees
Now, I am left with my tree in shock...aching...trying to find my strength again. trying to remember who I was before, without him. reaching for the sky...trying to grow again...but in many ways afraid to "branch" out. Afraid of what this part of the forest that I have neglected to explore really holds...afraid of the dangers and pitfalls there might be for me.
But secretly ashamedly excited to be free. Longing for his presence, his touch, his companionship....aching for his "friendship"....his LOVE....but happy to feel that my branches can move freely again. Wishing that we could have felt this free together....and desperately hoping there will come a day that he feels he can trust me enough to be my friend....maybe for the first time. Hoping there will come a day that we both will feel ready to have adventures together....and IF we can learn enough about ourselves to understand our weaknesses and our strengths, we could once again "cleave" to eachother....in a new a glorious way, allowing our branches to grow together..intertwined yet free...sweetly...exploring movement together...not "stuck" together...but reaching and moving, like free flowing vines, allowed to move and breathe and experience new things, constantly reaching outside of ourselves and our union... to gain more knowledge and experience. Then coming together to share those new and exciting things with each other; Always respecting each vine, each trunk, each new leaf....nourishing each other and the "base" of our love....our roots. For ourselves individually and as a couple.
I realize my tree to survive, much repair work is needed. I will need to nourish the trunk, and the healthy branches, with much sun and water, and fertilizer...vitamins and much love. And, no matter how painful it is, I must cut off the injured, broken branches....so that all the energy my poor tree has to offer will go to nurturing and healing the branches that are left and to growing new branches.
After a year now, I finally can see that my roots are slowly growing stronger...reaching deeper into the soil...holding tight so my tree will not blow over in the next wind storm. I can finally see some small new shoots beginning to grow high along the trunk.
I like the new branches beginning to develop. I miss feeling the strength of being intertwined with the tree I have loved so fiercely...and still do. But I am realizing that I am strong...and if I must...my tree can stand alone.
I hope with all my might and all the faith I can muster that one day....my eternal sweetheart tree will quit his wanderings and realize that he is not completely whole, nor nearly as beautiful, or FULL, as when he is growing together with me. That he will miss me...my tree...and the way it felt to hold me, to love me, to be able to see my face, and hear my voice each day. I hope he will miss everything about me so much....that one day...hopefully not too many years from now..our branches will grow together again. But when that happens..when he is ready...I will know how to keep my branches strong, and somewhat still the individual tree that I am...still cleaving completely to him...but developing my own branches too...to strengthen the bond of our union. I hope he will know how to do that too.
Lovely, Free, Trees.
Beautifully entwined in Love, in a healthy way.
My heart yearns for the blessing we are promised in the Temple. And I am doing my very best to keep ALL of the covenants I have made...believing that IF I do, one day, this thread of our sealing that I am still holding on to, the piece of the promise that still seals us together...will one day become a rope, that will save both he and I...that will pull him back to me...and help us become all that our Father wants us to be. ALL that we wanted and promised to each other before we came to this earth. I hope for all of this that we both might find joy in each other and in fulfilling our mission!
Until then, I will strive to learn all I can all the things that Heavenly Father is sharing with me and inspiring me to study, ponder, and pray. I will strive to develop new talents and strengthen those I already know I have. I will strive to be of service to my fellow man and to become a better "daughter", "wife", "friend" and "mother" to my family.
I am...Renee Lynette Miller Mysliwiec a.k.a MamaDezee
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