Worn Out, But Not Giving Up!
The past several months have been super difficult in many ways. Challenges with my health have been more than overwhelming...more than I can ever begin to express. I'm usually a very positive person. I strive to uplift others and be happy myself. This has usually been easy for me because it comes naturally. I feel that I am a blessed person with MUCH to be thankful for, yet I just haven't been able to shake the feelings of depression. Between these health issues, challenges in my business, and disappointments in trying to heal wounds in my personal relationships, life has just felt so very hard. I'm generally a VERY happy person. But feeling sick is just plain crappy!! And most people don't understand. When you look healthy on the outside with no visible signs of disease ...no broken bones, or deformities etc. people just don't get it. They expect me to be the person I've been in the past...or better. They don't understand how difficult just getting up in the morning can be. They don't understand how much effort it takes some days to just move to the kitchen to make breakfast....to have the energy to get dressed and ready for the day, or even trying to get motivated to brave the walk down the stairs to my car, clean off the snow from my windows and attempt to go to the store to buy groceries. They don't understand why 9:00 a.m. church attendance is nearly impossible for me. The pain and stiffness in my muscles and joints many mornings is so bad that it takes all the energy I have to even have a desire to get out of bed. Mornings are the worst. As a health coach I have been able to help other 's get healthy, but I haven't been able to heal my own body of Thyroid disease. Recently It has come to my knowledge that I may have Lymes disease. I have no insurance, and the financial implications of this disease has felt so much more than I can handle on my own. The cost to be tested properly can be extremely expensive. (My sister Julie has already spent over $7000 on testing and has more to go...and she hasn't even started treatment yet. She's been told that treatment can run as high as $80,000!) I'm working to pull money together to be able to have the first initial tests for Lyme's to know for sure, but all the symptoms are there...and if I do have this, it makes sense why its been so hard to heal my body, as Lyme's attacks the endocrine system. Knowing that my sister Julie has been diagnosed with three different strains of Lyme's, as well as many co-infections, and knowing that we have very similar symptoms that we have both suffered with for many years, gives me reason to believe that this may be what I've been dealing with. In one way a diagnosis would be welcomed, because at last then I'd know what I need to do to get well...although it may be a long process. But, right now, not knowing for sure... seeing the signs through all my research, and not having insurance or the resources at this present time to even begin to be tested has been so very frustrating.
I felt at my last rope before Christmas, with everything falling on top of me at once.
Being able to be with my mom and dad, feeling their incredible love and generosity, being fed three meals a day...feeling taken care of completely; feeling so nurtured in every way; hearing their positive attitudes each day, knowing they were happy to see me, and appreciated me being there; being greeted by their beautiful smiling faces every morning when I woke, knowing they truly love me, as evidenced by the love in their eyes. Eating my dads deliciously healthy oatmeal and vegan pancakes for breakfast and my mothers incredibly tasty lunches and dinners, enjoying our much needed talks, looking through old pictures and reading family history pages, made me feel so welcomed and so grateful to be HOME with them. I never wanted it to end! I was reminded of the roots I came from and the incredibly happy childhood I had, growing up. All these things reminded me that life hasn't always been so hard...and maybe it could get better one day. This was such a boost to my soul.
I have the most wonderful parents in the whole world. I can't ever express how grateful I am for them
and their love in my life.
My beautiful parents Donna & Gary Miller
Ihave never been a quitter. I have changed gears, switched paths, and started anew many times....but I've never been a quitter.
Sometimes we just need to go back to our roots to refuel!
Irealize now how very important this is, not just to be able to see our sweet loved ones, but to reconnect with pieces of ourselves. To comeback to thecore of who we are. I've recognized that this may be more important for me than it is for others. I had the great blessing of coming from a very grounded life, one filled with love and nurturing and goodness. I knew who I was there. I knew I was a good person. I knew I was loved. I knew I was appreciated and wanted. I LOVED life and all it offered me.
But in the past many years, life has beat me to a bloody pulp. Apparently I chose to come to this Earth to learn many difficult lessons. Some lessons I have learned have come through experiencing other peoples choices that have been out of my control. And some lessons have come from my own mistakes.
As much as I wanted to give my own children the same thing that I had growing up....I failed in this.
I lost a piece of myself along the way....and I lost the most important thing to me...my marriage.
I have felt lost in the past 7 years since. Knocked off my foundation; holding on for dear life to what I know to be true....the love of God, family, faith, and hope. Trying to rebuild my life.
The past several months I have felt completely defeated. In every way. Accused of things I did not do in my business and seeing a down turn in sales that has made it very difficult to provide for myself, feeling misunderstood, unneeded, unappreciated, and unwanted in many ways as a mother, doing the deepest inner work of forgiveness I've ever done, and yet still not having my most desired friend by my side, has left me feeling exhausted, worn to the core, and loosing hope.
Going HOME helped. After three days I felt my soul relax. I felt my heart ache a little less.
I felt myself returning to ME. The real ME. The Happy Joyful ME.
But... just a few days later I had to come home to Evanston.
Ididn't want to leave. I wanted to stay in that place of peace, my parents comfortable home, not having to worry about anything. Not having to make a living on my own. Not having to wake up alone every morning. Not feeling the deep loneliness and the empty apartment I wake up to every morning. Having people...adults to converse with...even if we didn't always agree, knowing it was ok...because we'd still always love each other. I found myself wanting to stay forever....or at least until Spring when the snow of Evanston would thaw.
If it wasn't for my kids and grandkids being in Evanston, I think I would have abandoned all my things, and stayed.
Last night something changed....just a bit. A new hope. A new resolve came into my heart.
I watched an amazing movie. I'd been wanting to see it for a long time. Finally I did.
If you haven't seen it, you should!
This powerful song is from the movie.
This morning, my sweet daughter Shaina brought me a little birthday gift! What a sweet thing to wake up to.
And then...
This song spoke to my heart...
No....I'm not a quitter. I'm a fighter. I am a warrior. I DON'T give up!
I feel a small sense of hope. I feel the love of my Savoir.
I can't let these trials stop me. I have hopes, I have dreams. I want to do better.
Maybe some of you have felt similar defeats and struggles in your life too. If so, I want you to know you're not alone. My heart is with you. GOD is with you! You are NOT a quitter either! We can start over. We can do better. Our past does not define us! We can go back to the place where we once felt whole...even if only in our minds. We can remember that tomorrow is another day....a new day...
and who knows what JOYS it might bring!
We must remember who we are!
We were made for MORE!
We CAN heal our minds, our hearts, & our bodies....our souls CAN become whole again, with Gods help!
(And with Gods help....I can be patient for His perfect timing)
I hope you feel this in your life too!
LOVE & Blessings
XOXO
Mama Dezee
